Bad Plot Devices
by Charlett
Summary: Captain Adelbert Steiner has found that everyone seems to be turned upside down!  Kuja, newly revived, states that it is the work of 'Bad Plot Devices' on the Authoress's part.  Can Steiner save the castle?  Why is he the only one not affected? [Oneshot]


Another Satire on Christy's part. Whenever I start writing for a new fanfiction series, I find CRAPPY stories and get so mad I write satires/parodies. This one is about Bad Plot Devices on the Authoress' Part.

These pairings are actual pairings in stories... some are more rare than others though. Most of them that DO appear really are made through bad plot devices.

Also, Steiner needs more screentime. Srsly.

P.S. The Mary Sue Authoress is actually me, super overglossed and made ultra sexy. If you can't satire yourself, you're not allowed to satire. Really...

Anyway...

READ ON!

Final Fantasy IX: Bad Plot Devices  
By Chrisanthy Kohn

"Ahhh!" Captain Adelbert Steiner of the Knights of Pluto sighed in delight. Finally, Necron and Kuja were defeated and the world was at peace! The only thing that seemed to be missing was Princess… QUEEN Garnet's smile. Without the thief, the captain was afraid she would never smile again…

But although he wanted to do what he could for Garnet, what he needed to do was continue repairing the castle. He wanted it to shine just as beautifully as before. He walked into a lounging room where he was certain he would find some Pluto Knight loafing around instead of working, as usual. He was dead wrong.

A sexy, beautiful, bishounen man was lounging on a couch, munching lazily on grapes. Steiner knew the thong man's identity immediately, "Kuja! You're alive? But how?"

"Meh…?" Kuja looked up at Steiner, and shrugged nonchalantly, "Bad plot device on the authoress' part." The knight blinked as the Genome continued, "Zidane's here too. The little monkey's hiding around here somewhere…"

Zidane? Alive? Well, as much as Steiner didn't want to admit that he was especially glad the thief was going to flaunt his awesome escape from the Iifa Tree, he didn't want to see Garnet cry anymore, "Where is he?" The captain questioned.

"Ohhhh Kuja, darling…!" Steiner suddenly heard Zidane's voice from the kitchen, and he entered in with a tray full of pastries, wearing an apron, "I made these pastries for you, my one and only Angel of Death! And by 'made' I mean 'stole them from Quina as s/he was pulling them from the oven'!"

"Zidane!" Steiner flailed, "What are you talking about? The Queen has been waiting forever for you to return to the castle! I'll request an audience immediately!"

Zidane laughed at the captain, "Sorry, Rusty, but I've moved on! Kuja's the only one for me now! Dagger's just a whiny mute bitch anyway! Here baby, these have cream filling. Let's rub them on our naked bodies!"

Steiner stumbled dumbly from the room, too surprised to throw them out of the castle now that they had no reason to be staying there. He just couldn't wrap around the fact that Zidane was getting action just moments before he and Garnet were torn apart. They were practically mauling each other beforehand and now this? Oh well, deep down, the knight really didn't think Zidane was cut out to be a king anyway, so that was no extreme loss to him. He decided to go check on Quina and curb his/her temper after losing pastries to the thief. What he saw when he entered the kitchen both shocked and dismayed him.

The Qu was wrapping his/her tongue seductively around Vivi, who was rubbing his gloved hands all over Quina, "Ohhh, Quina… you're so blubberous and sexy…!"

"I know," Quina replied, "Just from fake marriage on Dwarf Land, I know now you sexiest and most pretty Black Mage ever!"

"Never let me out of your gluttonous embrace!" The tiny boy shouted, "They say you always choose your father, and Quen did look a LOT like you. This love I'm feeling for you can only be expressed through frying you to a crisp and eating you!"

"Only if I do first…" Quina replied with a sigh. Steiner blinked. So that's how Qus expressed love…?

Eiko suddenly barreled past the knight, shouting loudly, "Hey, old man, get out of the way! I'm looking for Vivi so I can- GAAASP!" Eiko gasped. Loudly, "Vivi, you rotten cheating bastard! You were making out with me just two seconds ago! Now you're with this ugly monster!"

"Oh Eiko," Vivi said, "I didn't notice you there. Just because we're both younger than most of the characters in the game, that must mean we're supposed to be together! But I love Quina so much I could never abandon her."

The Black Mage was corrected, "Him."

Vivi blinked and turned to the Qu, "Him?"

"Quina really guy!" Quina replied. Vivi screamed.

"Come on, Eiko! Carry me away to Lindblum and never let me leave your angelic embrace! This love I'm feeling for you can only be expressed through letting you cook my food and wash my clothes and do everything for me so I don't have to lift a finger!"

Eiko thought about it, and decided it was a fair enough trade, "Come on, sexy short-stuff! Let's go!" And with that, the two left arm in arm. Steiner stared after them, and turned to look at the Alexandrian cook. Quina looked downright sorrowful, and Steiner thought of something he could do to cheer him/her… no wait him… up.

"Don't worry, Quina, if there's anything I can do, just say the word."

The Qu sniffled, "Can I suck out eyeballs? So gooey, squishy, tasty…" Steiner did an about face and rushed from the kitchen.

This entire day was getting weirder and weirder. The only thing poor Steiner wanted to do was fix the castle and bring Garnet's smile back. But how was he supposed to do that when Zidane was making out with someone else and all of his workers magically disappeared? Maybe the culprit was this "Bad plot device on the authoress' part" thing that Kuja had spoken about. Well, since the captain's workers were gone, he might as well go and speak with Queen Garnet about Zidane. He didn't want to see her cry, but with the thief writhing in a lounging chair with a scary man who probably had no thong on at the moment just two stories below her, it was best that he told her so she wouldn't find out on her own. He approached the door and knocked lightly, "Your Majesty…? A word, if I may…"

There was a gasp and the sound of two people tumbling from a bed, and Steiner's mind darkened when he heard Garnet squeak, "N… not just yet! I'm not decent!"

"I should THINK not! Who is in there with you? What about Zidane? After all that time I spent trying to make sure you two weren't making out, and now you're off making out with someone else!?" Steiner rattled the locked doorknob, "Your Majesty, I demand that you open this door and reveal who you are fooling around with! Beatrix will be FURIOUS!"

"I think you're the only one who's furious, Steiner…" The door opened and the Alexandrian General poked her head out, letting the door cover her half clothed body, "Her Majesty is so mild mannered and I'm so loyal to her that it couldn't have just been that I was protecting her because it was my duty. It was obviously us being a couple for all this time. Didn't you know?"

The captain stopped dead in his tracks, "But… but what about that night? Did it mean NOTHING to you?"

Beatrix shrugged from behind the portal, "I wanted to see what it was like to kiss a guy." She looked at Steiner and waved her hand up and down, "It was so-so." She left Steiner alone in front of the door. He stared at the doorknob mutely as the two women returned to their giggling and rough-housing. Eventually, the knight simply turned and shuffled wordlessly from the castle and into the courtyard.

He passed by Weimer and Haagen tumbling in the grass, because if there's ever a guy who likes women, he must really like dudes, especially his coworkers. Steiner continued and eventually sauntered past Amarant and Freya, entwined in a loving embrace. The knight couldn't see their arms, legs, or tail.

"Oh, Freya, just because we're two random people who worked together on two different occasions and Fratley doesn't seem to care about you anymore, that must mean we're perfect for each other."

"Indeed," Freya replied, nuzzling the sexily bearded man. She then said some weird gibberish like "Oh tee pee" and "Oh em gee". Steiner, however, wasn't listening. The knight approached the moat that surrounded the castle, and stared into the water, sighing unhappily.

"I don't understand. Just what is going on? Everything seems so stupid, as if everything in the world was just randomly changed for no reason at all…!" Steiner thought intensely, and suddenly came to a conclusion, "Why, it must be this evil 'Authoress' and her bad plot devices!" The captain leapt up and down at the thought, "I must do whatever I can do defeat this authoress and return things to normal. Finally, I will save the day and everyone will appreciate me as a real character and not just some silly comic relief!" But as he was jumping up and down, he slipped slightly and was sent tumbling into the water. His rusty armor assured that he sank like a rock.

---

Meanwhile, Tantalus members Blank and Cinna were hanging out on the other side of Alexandria's moat, fishing. They totally weren't making out, because that would be gross. Cinna looks like a beast; I mean, seriously.

"So… Blank…" Cinna muttered, striking up some conversation, "You going to make out with anyone?"

Blank shrugged, "Maybe Zidane."

"What about Ruby?"

"She's a cowgirl. No one likes cowgirls."

"That's an unnecessary stereotype."

"Bite me."

As if on cue, something bit Blank's line. Blank tugged hard but it was just so heavy! "Hey Cinna! Help me out, will ya?"

"Oh! Alright!" The two tugged and yanked and groaned and moaned and probably came while they pulled the giant fish onto land. Except it wasn't a fish. It was a bad plot device on the authoress' part! Or Steiner, either one.

The knight captain sputtered as he fell onto the cobblestones, and reached up to check and see if he still had his helmet. He did, so he was happy. Except he was also sad, and expressed so by hopping up and down while speaking to the two men who had fished him up, "You! Thieves! Something terrible is going on at the castle! Everything's topsy-turvy!"

"You mean because of the bad plot devices on the authoress' part?" Blank asked, "Yeah, I know about it. It's contagious, so we've been beating up all the Pluto Knights who were trying to run the ferry so that we could keep it contained at Alexandria Castle." Steiner thought about it, and realized that this was the reason all of his workers were incapacitated! One of the few things that WASN'T a bad plot device on the authoress' part!

"But that's the thing, how are we supposed to know if this rusty bucket of bolts hasn't been contaminated?" Cinna asked his partner. Steiner was about to rant and yell about the use of "rusty bucket of bolts", but Blank interrupted and leaned against the wall so he could properly wave his hand at Cinna as if batting the Tantalus hammer lover's question away.

"Cinna, look at him. Can't you tell?" Cinna looked at the knight, and Blank continued, "He's not girly enough. Look at his man-jowls; look at his huge, bulky armor; look at his extreme lack of a sexy effeminate scar, thong, and/or childlike appearance! This man is a MAN. And everyone knows a MAN is pretty much immune to bad plot devices on the authoress' part. He's clear to pass. So, Steiner, how's it feel to be the only one to escape from the bad plot devices on the authoress' part?"

Steiner shuddered, "As much as I'd like to turn around and pretend everything I saw at the castle never happened, I must protect the queen and save her from this horrible virus!" He didn't mention that the second biggest reason he wanted to stop the horrible virus was to save Beatrix as well. No way would he let her continue that horrible masquerade because of some silly authoress! "Cover me! I'm going back in!"

"You know, that would probably have sounded cool if he wasn't such a pushover…" Blank muttered. Steiner withdrew Ragnarok and the Tantalus boys saluted him with respect, "YES SIR! You sounded REALLY COOL, Sir!"

"Now get me on that boat and let's go save the castle!" Steiner proclaimed. Blank and Cinna sighed. No fair that THEY had to come along as well!

---

Steiner stood at the front of the ferry that he was riding in with Cinna and Blank, waiting impatiently to arrive at the castle. The two landed at the castle and said, "We can't go any further. Anymore and we'll be affected by the virus."

"What about Cinna?" Steiner asked, looking at the member of Tantalus, "You look rugged enough to be a man."

Blank coughed into his hand, "The proper term is MAN. Get it right." Steiner rolled his eyes, "And I suppose Cinna could be slightly impervious to the bad plot devices on the authoress' Part… I mean, that beard is pretty MANly."

Cinna sighed, "Just throw me to the wolves, why don't you?" Blank grabbed him and chucked him off the boat.

"Just be glad there's no wolves!" He waved to Cinna as Steiner stepped off the boat, "See you guys when you stop that virus!"

"Ahhh, about that…" Steiner placed his hand on his chin in thought, "How DO you stop the virus?"

"You must be able to engage the mammal in corporeal contest, overcoming it with a well-versed yarn gala," Blank replied matter-of-factly. Steiner blinked.

"Could that be ANY more cryptic?"

"Yes, actually, wanna hear?" Steiner placed his foot on the side of the ferry and shoved hard, capsizing it easily.

"Come on, Cinna, we're off!" The captain proclaimed, stepping over the writhing bodies of Freya, Amarant and Fratley (who seemingly appeared out of nowhere). The two MEN entered the belly of the beast together. This time, after taking over their best friends and making them totally weird, it was personal… "Alright, Cinna, let's split up!"

"Famous last words before everyone dies," Cinna muttered.

"You take this lower floor and I'll search above! Beware of the authoress, and alert me when you find her!"

"But what if you can't…"

"Just alert me when you find her!" He shouted in retort, making Cinna cower and sulk off towards the dining room.

---

Steiner found himself on the second floor, in the Pluto Knight quarters. He searched around the place, and suddenly heard something strange in the showers. Someone was IN THERE? That was practically unheard of! After all, all of the Pluto Knights were indisposed and knocked out. Who could be using his subordinates' showers without his permission? With a shout, he burst into the public shower and suddenly realized he had walked right into a trap set by the authoress.

It was a bad plot device on the authoress' part, alright… for absolutely no reason, Zidane was taking a shower in the public room, only he wasn't wearing a towel at all. Probably because Kuja was somewhere in the room as well. Zidane turned to Steiner and smiled, "Hey, Rusty! Now I know why your armor always rusts! You're sitting in this humid room all day!"

"Enough of your tomfoolery!" Steiner shouted, "Tell me where the authoress is or I shall have to take drastic measures!"

Zidane seemed confused, "What?" He asked, "That's funny, whenever someone walks in on me naked they seem to lose control and ravish me at whim. You know, it's really not as fun as the authoress makes it out to be…"

"You cod!" The captain proclaimed, reiterating what was just revealed to the readers two pages ago, "Do you not realize I am a MAN? I am immune to bad plot devices on the authoress' part!" Zidane suddenly seemed to realize what was going on, and nodded vigorously, "Now, tell me where the authoress is this instant!"

"I'm not exactly sure, but don't check the towers. Especially not the east tower. Dude, if you checked the east tower, you'd be a moron." The genome continued to speak even as Steiner handed him a towel, "What am I supposed to do with this? Wear it? Hah, as if…" He suddenly stopped when he wrapped the white fleece around him, "Oh god! Steiner, what the hell's happened to me!?"

The captain blinked, "Zidane, have you returned to normal?"

"NORMAL?" The genome was like a quivering mass of fear, "What the hell was going on? I feel like I've done such… stupid things…"

"Ahh, so that's how you counteract the virus!" The knight said, placing his hand in his palm, "All you have to do is make the one who contracted it do something they'd do normally, and it'll make them return to normal! Zidane!" Steiner saluted his friend, "You must assist me in defeating the authoress and removing this virus, thus saving both Her Majesty and Beatrix!"

"Funny how you'd conveniently mention the general as well…" Zidane muttered. The captain kicked him in the rear, "Fine! I'll go get dressed! Jeez! Oh, by the way, you know when I was being stupid? I was totally lying; the authoress is hanging out in the east tower."

"You thought I couldn't figure THAT out…?" Steiner asked. Zidane shrugged and the knight turned red with anger.

---

"Hey! Cinna, you're helping us out?" Zidane asked thankfully as the three joined together, "That's great! All three of us, on a whirlwind adventure! I'll be the sexy as hell main character (aaaaaas usual), Cinna, you're the lovable sidekick, and Steiner…" Zidane thought about it for a second, "Your name is Sancho."

Steiner blinked as the thief rushed off with his friend, "Let's go, Sancho, Cinna! We're off to save the day!"

"What does SANCHO mean…?" The knight asked, dumbfounded, as he followed closely behind the other two. The three arrived at the eastern tower, but found it to be blocked by two Knights of Pluto.

"Hey man, we can't let you through!" Weimar said.

"Yeah," Haagen said, "We're too busy conveniently making out in front of the doorway to let you through. Go play somewhere else."

"As Captain of the Knights of Pluto, I demand that you two let me pass!" Steiner shouted, hopping up and down.

"No can do, boss," Weimar replied, "You can't serve two masters, and Haagen's my stud muffin master."

"Ohh, tell that to me again…" The other knight whispered seductively.

"Well, this is a total waste of time, isn't it, Zidane?" Steiner turned around to face his friend. He gasped when he noticed that the thief was already succumbing to the bad plot device on the authoress' part! He was practically removing his vest as they talked! "Cinna, do something!"

"Righto, Sancho!" Cinna replied. Steiner sighed as the member of Tantalus suddenly leapt forward and rubbed his slightly pot belly and beard, "Hey guys, can I join in?"

"Oh GOD!" The men screamed, "It's a MAN!"

"A MAN wants to join in?" Haagen released Weimar and rushed off. Weimar continued to stand, dumbfounded, off into space. The very thought of a bearded man touching him seemed to have turned his brain to mush.

"Weimar, have you returned to normal?" Steiner asked. The Pluto Knight snapped out of his stupor, and the captain was pleased to see that he looked just like normal again. Perhaps that extreme aversion to a male body was just in character enough to make him lose the virus.

"Captain! It was horrible!" Weimar cried, "The authoress made me kiss a male! Oh god I'm going to be washing my mouth out for the rest of my life." He then stood out of the way, "Go get that authoress, Captain!" He said with a salute.

"Right," Zidane said, returning to normal and buttoning up his vest again, "You two, Cinna, Weimar, stay here and guard the tower. Sancho, you're with me."

"It's STEINER!" The knight roared. Zidane stuck his finger in his ear.

"Jeez, you didn't have to YELL…" he muttered, "Let's go!"

---

Steiner and Zidane rushed up the tower, but they were soon stopped by Zidane, who halted right in front of a room that Steiner swore wasn't there before on the stairway upward. The door was slightly ajar, and it was obvious that whatever was on the other side was a bad plot device on the authoress' part. Zidane seemed too intent on it for it not to be.

"Zidane, what in the world are you stopping fo…" Steiner suddenly realized why Zidane stopped, and he slammed his hand over his face. Just great… it was Kuja again, and Zidane was already succumbing to the bad plot device on the authoress' part. Kuja was waving his hand around like a girl and sashaying like a… a girl again.

"Oh Zidane, what are you doing here?" He asked, although Steiner knew Kuja already knew why Zidane was there. The authoress probably sent him to halt Zidane and stop Steiner from proceeding! The knight thought quickly; the first thing he had to do was get Zidane away from him so he wouldn't start turning all weird again. The best way to do that was to take advantage of the genome's stupefied position…

…The captain kicked Zidane down the stairs. Kuja blinked as Zidane tumbled down the circular stairway, and the man (along with the MAN) turned to stare at each other, "Oh my…" Kuja muttered, "You really are a fiery one."

"Fiery nothing!" Steiner said, hopping up and down, "You're the one who's helping this entire place go to hell in a handcart! I'll make sure you and your stupid authoress never control my queen and my general ever again!"

Steiner huffed and puffed from his outburst, and Kuja began casting within the room, "Well then, my little MAN, I suppose I'm going to have to take care of you once and for all. This is for dodging that last Flare strike just as I was about to kill you worthless maggots back at Memoria…"

"Steiner… is my sweet buttercup still about…?" Steiner looked down at his feet and Zidane continued to crawl up the stairs, grabbing at the knight's ankles. The knight was about to kick the genome back down the stairs, but a thought struck him.

"Kuja! Zidane's here!" Steiner said rather loudly. Kuja stopped his Ultima casting and stared down at the captain's feet, "I totally heard him saying that he was going to kill you and be the only Angel of Death because you suck and he's the coolest." Kuja blinked at Steiner, and the MAN tried to keep from sweating profusely, "Seriously, cross my heart."

"You little filthy PEST," Kuja spat, stomping forward to strangle his brother all while wearing a smile, "Dropping you on your head in Lindblum was just TOO GOOD for you, wasn't it? This time, I'll…!" Suddenly he stopped, and looked around the room with a blink, "Wait… where am I…?"

"Huh…?" Zidane stood up, rubbing his head, "What happened…?"

"I figured if I made Kuja want to kill you out of hatred for you, he'd lose the virus and return to normal," Steiner said, puffing himself up with pride, "Looks like it worked!"

"You…" Kuja stared at the MAN and the man, "you saved me from imprisonment by the authoress."

"Don't mention it," Zidane said with a smile, "Seriously, don't. You'll only inflate Rusty's ego." Steiner glared at his friend.

"Zidane, do you realize what you're doing?" Kuja asked, "If you stop the authoress, everything will return to normal…" Zidane stared at his brother, who raised his hand. The three could see right through it, "Now that I've been freed from the bad plot devices…"

"Kuja…" Zidane murmured.

"Don't worry, it's better this way." The man dropped his arm as he continued to dissipate, "Fight with all your might, Zidane… and… whatever your name is… I will be… watching over you…"

"Kuja…!" Zidane shouted as his brother disappeared into the air. The next thing the two realized was that the door was gone; the entire room had disappeared now that the authoress had no need of the bad plot device.

"Zidane, I'm sorry…" Steiner began after a moment of silence.

"We're going to beat that authoress and make sure she never toys with us again!" Zidane shouted, ignoring Steiner's sentiment and stomping up the stairs. He had a limp, however. Steiner grinned sheepishly as he rushed after his friend.

---

The two rushed up to the top of the tower, and Zidane gave a howl after he tried to kick the door down with his bad leg. Steiner gave a grunt as he slammed his boot into the locked doorway. It flew off its hinges as if it were made of wood. Oh wait, it was. A young woman whirled around, her beautiful long brown hair that fell to her butt shone in the light of the one window in the room and she didn't have any split hairs and her eyes were chocolate brown and her lips were full like she had a few injections and she had beautiful glasses that showed off the curves of her adorable cherubim face. And that was only her HEAD!

"Kyaa!" She said with a cry (or was it "She cried with a saying"?), "What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here! Srsly!"

"…Srsly…?" Steiner muttered in thought, "What does 'Srsly' mean…?"

"Kill first, questions later!" Zidane shouted, drawing out his Ultima Weapon. Steiner ducked as the genome whirled it above his head, "You're going down, Little Miss Innocent!"

"Oh no! That's the last thing I wanted to do was die!" She cried, "I'll just have to make a few bad plot devices and stop you from attacking me!"

Steiner scoffed, "Oh yeah, like you can just think up bad plot devices out of nowhere…"

Suddenly, as if to poke fun at the knight, the three heard women walking up the stairs together, "Oh Beatrix, taking me out on this romantic occasion to see the stars together is sooooo romantic!" Garnet giggled.

"Yeah, good thing I thought this up seven hours before the first star'll come out. We'll have front row seats," Beatrix replied. Steiner groaned. The bad plot devices were getting worse by the second!

"Zidane, keep your guard up!" Steiner said as the girls approached them, "You mustn't get caught by the bad plot devices on the authoress' part!"

"Ohhh!" Dagger said, trotting up to the genome, "Zidane! It's so nice to see you again! We haven't seen for so long, why don't you stare at my breasts?"

"Mine too!" Beatrix said as Zidane rushed over to leap into Dagger's bosom, "You come too, Steiner!"

"I most certainly will not! I am a MAN, and MEN are utterly immune to bad plot devices on the authoress…'s… part…" Steiner soon found himself weakening as Beatrix removed her top in a flash. His temperature rose, his face flushed, and he fought to keep from being caught in the authoress' trap. There was one thing he WASN'T immune to… the authoress was using his weaknesses against him…

Steiner fought to resist, even as Beatrix approached him, "Aww, come on Adelbert, you know you want it…!"

"I… I…" The captain watched as she reached out to hold him. It was then, however, that he remembered his duty, "I most certainly do!" Steiner suddenly said, batting the general away, "but the code of chivalry says to protect one's friends before carnal desires! I'm sorry, Beatrix!" He gave the half naked woman a salute, "But I must defeat the authoress before I rejoin you!" The general stared at Steiner as he turned and rushed away from her, towards the room that the authoress escaped to. It was now or never! It was HE who would save the day!

Steiner stared at the woman, her beautifully shapen legs that seemed to be carved from opal by angels were dangling out of the window. She was hopping on the back of a Golden Chocobo! "Come on, Bobby Corwen! Thank goodness you magically grew up in this one second and became a Golden Chocobo to save me from this horrible knight. So long, sucker!" And with that, the authoress flew off into the sky.

Steiner gave a scream of anger and rushed to the window to properly shake his fist at her, "Damn you! Come back and fight like a… an authoress!" He thought quickly about what to do, and suddenly an idea struck him. He pulled out some gyshal greens and hung them out the window, "Good thing Choco was here all this time after I invited him over from Chocobo's Paradise! Choco LOVES gyshal greens!"

Steiner was right. Choco DID love gyshal greens. He loved them so much that he DID come to meet with the knight, happily gobble the greens, and allow the knight a ride on his back. Steiner gratefully obliged, and Choco gave a defiant "Kweh!", riding after the authoress.

"You can't do that!" The authoress screeched as Steiner caught up to her on Bobby Corwen, "Only I'M allowed to make bad plot devices on the authoress' part!"

"That's right, but you don't realize I'm allowed to make bad plot devices on the author's part!" Steiner roared back, making the authoress stare at him. She wondered if he really WAS an author. Steiner continued by unsheathing the Ragnarok, "Now stand down before I slice you in two!"

The authoress was about to refuse, but realized it was futile. She finally relinquished and told her own mount to land, "Bobby Corwen, stop flying. It's best if I just get this over with…"

The two chocobos landed, and Steiner removed himself from Choco's back so he could continue berating the lady, "Now then, I demand you return everything to normal, and leave Alexandria Castle immediately, never to return!"

"Oh my goodness!" The authoress shouted. Steiner went for his sword for whatever counter-attack she decided on, "Thank goodness I'm actually a summoner and can summon Bahamut in one second!" The captain gulped and looked up as a huge but familiar dragon stared down at him with a growl, "and I think it's a bad thing for you that you don't have that much magic defense, huh? Now you'll be fried to a crisp and no one will care where you go because I'll say you died tragically from a ferocious weasel attack. Too bad for you, huh?"

Steiner raised his sword, "You'll find that I won't go down without a fight!" He shouted, "I won't let you ruin my home! I'll protect it from anyone, including your bad plot devices!" He stood at the ready, unafraid even as Bahamut prepared his MegaFlare attack, "Bring it on, Bahamut…"

The dragon let fly the blast and the authoress watched in absolute amusement as Bobby Corwen and Choco flew away with fearful squawks. The MegaFlare left a huge crater in its wake, and the entire land was smoldering; black ash flew up into the sky, "Well!" The authoress said, brushing her hands of dust as Bahamut winked away in a flash, "that takes care of that!" She turned to return to her devious, bad plot devices, but stopped short when a feeling of dread fell over her. She turned slowly, and her eyes widened as the smoke began to clear, "But… but how…?"

"Thank goodness I was wearing this Venetian Shield!" Steiner, who was perfectly unharmed, said, the shield firmly (and randomly) situated on his arm, "And thank goodness the shield has the highest Magic Evade!"

"You can't EVADE that!" The authoress screeched, looking at one location Steiner was standing on, which was the only part NOT affected by Bahamut's MegaFlare, "It hit everywhere around you!"

"Before you worry about bad plot devices you can make…" Steiner said, raising the Ragnarok, "Worry about bad plot devices that have existed before your time…" With that, he rushed forward, raising his sword. The girl gave a scream, and he brought it down upon her shoulder; she disappeared in a flash, as if she had never existed…

…Steiner found himself alone in the middle of the castle courtyard…

---

The captain rushed to the eastern tower to question Weimer and Cinna and ask them what had gone on while he had left. Steiner found it very strange that Bobby Corwen and Choco seemed to have disappeared as well. He stopped short when he arrived at the tower; Weimar was the only one standing in front of the tower.

"Hello, Captain!" Weimar said with a smile and a salute, "How are you today?"

"Weimar! Tell me!" Steiner said with a wag of his finger, "Just where is that thief?"

Weimar blinked, "There's a thief around here? Just say the word, Captain! I'll go and bring him to justice!"

Steiner stared at Weimar, unsure of what to say, "But… I mean… you know…" He placed his hand on his chin, "You know! That Tantalus member! He was right here…!"

Weimar shook his head, "I'm sorry, Captain, but I think the members of Tantalus are all at Lindblum. You've been singing praises that they've kept their distance the past year. Are you feeling alright, Captain?"

Steiner appeared deep in thought, and walked past Weimar, into the tower, "Just… just keep up the good work, Weimar…" he said, halfway in a daze. The Pluto Knight shrugged and saluted his superior as the captain entered the tower. Could Zidane be there? He wondered…

Captain Steiner thought right. Zidane stood at the bottom of the stairs, his tail swishing back and forth. He appeared to be staring off into space. Steiner seemed a little too happy to see his friend, and he clanked forward to speak with the genome, "Zidane! We did it, the bad plot devices on the authoress' part are gone! We're free!" He reached out to touch the genome, but was surprised to find that his hand passed right through Zidane's arm. He was disappearing just like Kuja was… "Z… Zidane…"

"Don't worry, Rusty, it's alright," The genome replied. He turned to face the knight and smiled happily, "I don't mind going away. As long as Dagger's fine… I'm just glad she'll be living here with you to protect her."

"Zidane, you can't possibly expect me to let you go now that you're here!" Steiner said, practically pleading with the man who was phasing out of existence, "Queen Garnet will never smile again unless you're here!"

"Then you'll just have to wait," The genome said, winking slightly. Steiner blinked as his voice began to fade along with him, "I'll be back soon. You take care of Dagger for me, alright?" He laughed joyously, "If you don't take good care of her, I'll chop off your head when I become king!"

"You little monkey!" Steiner said, "Stop joking around! You'd better come and meet with Her Majesty soon, or it'll be I who removes your head!" He hopped up and down, "Zidane! Come back soon! We all miss you!"

"Hey Rusty…?" Zidane said just as he disappeared into the sky, "Thank you for saving us all…"

The captain watched as his friend vanished, and steeled himself to meet with the Her Majesty. He wanted to see if everything truly was the way it was before…

---

Nothing. The entire castle was back to normal. It was so normal that even mentioning something about a bad plot device on the authoress' part got Steiner a strange look or a light chuckle. The captain could hardly believe it. Was he the ONLY person who remembered what had happened?

"Steiner, please stop filling such silly stories in Her Majesty's head. She's not feeling good enough for it," Beatrix said to the captain. He sighed a little and nodded to the general. She then smiled at him and then snapped her fingers, "Oh! I just remembered!" she said, "I have just received news that Tantalus will be performing 'I Want to be Your Canary' for the reunion in a week. They seemed really intent on coming. You won't mind that, will you?"

Steiner stared, and suddenly he broke into a rare smile, "That sounds great!" He said. Beatrix blinked, as he seemed a whole lot different person! Why would he EVER want to let known thieves into the castle? Something seemed weird…

"Steiner, is everything alright…?" Beatrix asked. The captain nodded his head and took her arm, leading her off after Queen Garnet.

"You know, after hearing that news," Steiner murmured, "I'm sure everything will turn out perfectly…" Beatrix blinked, and shook her head. However, she smiled at the one she loved. She was just glad he was becoming more tolerant of Queen Garnet's friends. Steiner assured himself that the moment Zidane was reunited with Garnet; he'd do his best to arrest the entire group. They called him a rusty bucket of bolts! However, they did help him save the day. Perhaps he should go easy on them…

He decided against it…

The End!

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Hope you guys enjoyed it! Review and tell me what you thought of it!


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